2012 2012 2012, you were a year alright. 2011 was a hellhole thanks to a certain demon that was sucking the life out of me…..and that did remain true for the beginning of 2012 as well. February I thought was going to be another time where I was gonna end up crawling back as always, shortly after being dumped by said demon, but destiny called in an interesting way….in the form of a friend, with a ukulele.
From one friend it went to another, then another, then after one, everyone just appeared. I slowly built together the pieces of a group of friends that was wild and weird, but also had each others backs. TMAT, Teenage Mutant Awkward Turtles, as I dubbed from my usage of the awkward turtle out of the roof of a car once, was our name. Started with 5, we settled down to 4 after we called out a certain one as crazy and a liar, which was absolutely true on all accounts. Twas a shame, but it happens.
As summer struck, boredom set in. We all kept our communication through the internet and cellphones though, as we were all distant. We had gatherings over time, but it was rare. Even so, it was far better than the previous summer for me to say the least.
Fall semester came by, and things were different this time around. There were complications from the past that settled in and threatened to tear everything apart. We all held on, and I gained one of my best friends on top of that. Also, my own past came knocking in the form of old friends and ex’s, one of which was ok, but the demon i had to get rid of again, this time without hesitation.
As the semester continued, gatherings happened outside of campus, on top of that a halloween party in which I gained someone of great importance to me, a girl at the time I barely knew, I got to know throughout the last 2 months. Someone i was pretty obviously crushing over, but was too afraid to say anything to her.
In the meantime, 2 of my friends were having a falling out as a couple, and I was torn from it. It was practically a divorce, and i was afraid that the way they were dealing with it was the wrong way. My own opinion caused me to almost lose the friendship of one of my best friends, until something happened. I finally heard everything I needed to hear. The truth about it, the fact that things weren’t meant to be as bad as they seemed, and an apology for blatantly ignoring my opinion that could’ve stopped the whole mess from occuring. Not only that…the friendship between her and my one friend was finally patched up, as it was truly a misunderstanding that caused it.
The semester was ended, and I had one last dilemma to solve; the girl I had feelings for. By that time, I was certain things were going my way, everyone around me could see it. But on the supposed end of the world, I did make a crucial mistake. I acted impulsively and I caused them to panic. They denied it and it had me in a horrid mood, as it brought me to a place I haven’t been since a similar situation before. But, there was hope I was unaware of. Thanks to the help of a couple friends, the truth became evident that there was a panic, and a day later, things went my way. A Christmas miracle of sorts, haha. And thats where this year leaves off today, minus dealing with my brother and such.
So, this is where 2012 will leave the new year off for me. With pleasant beginnings, my past in the past, and plausibly a good future to come. Although, anything can happen in this new year to come. Will I be able to handle myself? Will I make it through stronger than I am now, or weaker? My major questions, but I feel as long as I have everyone watching over me, I will be able to do everything.
2013, I am ready
Okay horde, you have to agree with me that Kat is basically perfect. SHE GOT ME A PORTAL GUN!!! #earlyxmasgift
Very fitting for my mood
This always happens to me. I really have no understand as to why. I think I find someone who is respectable, and there is always a catch. If they aren’t batshit insane, they actually are respectable and don’t find me to be of interest, at least in the same way as i do. They just want to be friends, which yes I do understand, everyone has a right to their opinion but…honestly, i just don’t get it. What have I done wrong, what is wrong with me to make me so unappealing? I treat them right, I am pretty much one of the nicest people to them. I never do them wrong. SO what am i doing wrong?
I got rejected again from someone I truly had strong feelings for. I had my hopes up, all the signs pointed in the direction I was wanting, but what the fuck happened? I ask them about it….and they only like me as a friend. I was being lead on the entire time. Do I blame them? No. It’s not their fault….it’s all mine. I got my hopes too high, and I crashed and burned. It’s the same as it was back in February…same thing happened, I got my hopes up with someone I liked, someone i talked to all the time, but when I asked, there was no such feelings. I’m just so sick of it, I try so hard, just to get kicked in the ass again and again and again. Honestly, I really don’t understand why i should even try..why i shouldn’t just give up now. My hearts been broke every single time, and every time I feel like I find someone respectable, I don’t even get a chance.
Ok, one time it did happen, I’ll admit, a decent girl did give me a chance, but the catch was that, little to no communication. Only saw each other twice during the month long relationship. And then we decided to just be friends after that. Makes me wonder if it had been different if we could’ve talked more. If we had more time around each other. Instead I felt alone a lot of the time…just as I was single.
I just feel so tortured by this. Like I’m just a joke when it comes to girls I like. I mean, what the hell is wrong with me??? Would I be better off as some douchebag who treats girls like crap? Do I have to be someone completely different than who I am to get attention? Apparently that’s what I have to do. Will I? No. I refuse to stoop to that level to get attention. Guess I’ll just be alone…unless I find someone else crazy. Honestly I feel like the only way i’ll ever get someone is if i settle for someone insane. I hate feeling like this…
I put my heart out…time after time. It backfires….time after time. And I fall….time after time. Why the fuck is it always me? Why god damnit….
This is what I get for actually giving a shit about people other than myself. And well…thats the way it will always be most likely. It may not have been the apocalypse today, but it might as well have happened.